Have you ever said something out loud and as you say it…. you know that you probably, most likely, very possibly won’t actually do it?
Things like…
“I’ll start eating healthy on Monday!
I’ll workout this weekend when I have time..
I’ll start meditating tomorrow
I’m gonna cut out sugar, not today, but definitely when the new month starts.
This year I’m gonna finally start___________”
And deep down you KNOW that you aren’t actually going to stop eating donuts for breakfast, or start meal planning, or go INSIDE the gym instead of passing by it on the way to Starbucks (#NoJudgement). You know that you aren’t really planning on registering for that class, or signing up for that 5k, or taking the time to finally teach your dog how to sit and stay. And if you don’t know for sure that they aren’t gonna happen…you at least wonder. Will they?
You know those types of things?
Ya. Same.
My list of those is absolutely insane.
Have you ever seen those cartoons where they whip out the old school scroll to read something and it’s so long that it fills the room? Or that scene in Bruce Almighty where his entire house is covered in sticky notes…even his little dog? That is an accurate image of the first half of my list. It’s the things that I would LIKE to have or be or do…but not the things I MUST have or be or do…
I say things all the time. Projects I’ll start, subjects I’ll learn about, people I’ll message, skills I’ll sharpen… all the things.
Talk is fine. And talk is fun. And it’s no biggie when you’re dealing with silly little things like teaching your dog a new trick or posting a video on Instagram…but what about when you hit the big stuff?
Every time I say something and don’t follow through, there’s a little piece of my self confidence that’s taken away. Every time my words and actions don’t match up there is an internal scorecard that slowly starts to read…
“Tor, you can’t trust her”.
Now let’s be clear- my word to others is gold.
I said I’d meet you at 10? I’ll be there at 9:50
I volunteered to help you move? You can bet your ass I’ll be there and I’ll bring some friends to help too.
I promised I’d donate to your kids bake sale next spring? You better believe that check is signed, sealed, delivered.
But why?
Why is it easy to show up for others and impossible to show up for myself? Why will I move heaven and earth to make sure I follow through for you…. but then stop when I’m slightly inconvenienced for myself.
There’s a million pieces to this puzzle. Self worth plays a major role; a sneaky thread woven into every corner of our being. But another key player is discipline. Our lack of understanding or fear of what it is and how to use it is setting us up to lose.
When we lack discipline we forfeit our responsibility to show up for ourselves when we most need it.
Read that last sentence again. Now write this down.
Self discipline isn’t punishment… it’s the highest form of self love. It’s the commitment we make to ourselves, for ourselves. It’s our promise to do what is good for us in the big picture…not what is good for right now. .
Discipline can be scary if it is misunderstood or abused- but in it’s most genuine form it is a grand gesture, a declaration of love, the kindest, most sincere thing we can do for ourself. It’s the best way to remind us that our life and joy and power and purpose is WORTH being uncomfortable for.
So I needed a thing. Something that would help rebuild my confidence in myself. I needed to be able to trust my word again. I needed to be able to lean on myself the way I would lean on a friend. I needed to be the “Tori” that shows up for other people.. but for myself.
So I started a challenge, by myself, for myself; to run a minimum of 3 miles a day for the entire month of September. And a goal to do increasingly longer runs on the weekends. The first Sunday was a 6 miler, then 7, 8, 9, and finally 10.
Waking up to snow on the last weekend of September (and my last long run) could have thrown me off. Or at least could have given me permission to just stay inside and instead shoot for my minimum three miles. No one knew, no one would judge me for not wanting to be in the snow or on the treadmill for an hour and half. But I didn’t want to finish my month only kinda proud. I wanted to know that when I commit- I commit. Even when it’s uncomfortable or harder than expected.
I needed my word to be good again.
I needed to know I could count on myself again.
I ran 10 miles (on the treadmill….ew) because I said that I would. And just because it was harder than I thought it would be (seriously, who plans for snow in September?) I needed to be the person that shows up, regardless of the effort. With each mile I could FEEL myself becoming lighter. I let go of all the doubt, uncertainty, and unworthiness that has been weighing on me.
Stepping off the treadmill after that 10 miles I had more energy and excitement than when I started. I finally felt free of the weight that comes when you carry uncertainty in yourself.
I’m not writing this because I’m proud of 10 miles. I’m writing it because I’m proud of showing up and reminding myself that I am worth being uncomfortable for. I am worth working hard.
I’m sharing this because it’s important…no…it’s life saving to recognize the power that you hold. And if life is hard right now, do something to show yourself that you are on your OWN team and that you ain’t afraid of a little blood, sweat and tears. Be the person that you would be for your baby sister, or best friend, or co worker, or daughter. But do it for yourself.
Because YOU deserve a life that is overflowing with joy and peace and pride in who you are. You deserve that. And if you forgot for a little bit.. that’s ok. We all do. But stand up, dust off, and get back to work.
For your own damn self.
Take the time to rebuild confidence in your character and everything…seriously, everything will open up to you.
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